A dear friend and I were recently discussing parenting our teenagers through the stage of life where they are being tempted by their own desire, and enticed by social pressures and expectations to embark on relationships that are more than just friends. Navigating this stage of life as a parent is no small task. Especially in a world where courtship is much quicker than a letter in the mail or a horse and buggy ride between homes. In a world where cell phones make access to one another instant and connections immediate, their perceptions of what constitutes intimacy and exclusivity can veer from God’s design quickly. We were discussing cultivating relationships with them that prevent behaviors like lying, deception, manipulation, and otherwise rebellious behaviors. As our children begin to discern right from wrong, and face consequences for sinful behavior, they are learning the terms of their individual relationship and accountability before God on their own, apart from their family structure. 

In the US our children won’t legally be adults until they’re eighteen, but Biblically, there is no distinction for the point at which they step out from beneath the umbrella of their parents. No particular age or time is specified. For that reason, shepherding them through the stages where they are nearing, or possibly at, the point where they would stand accountable apart from us is an element of parenting responsibility before God that can not be shirked. It can’t be left to assume their youth leaders or Sunday school pastor is taking the lead on cultivating their heart in such a way as honors God. That responsibility has been left up to parents. Youth pastors, other mentors within the body of Christ, absolutely have an influence. I depend on those influences to reinforce what we are working through at home, but they can’t be the sole source of my children’s spiritual training. 

As Christian parents, the lens of accountability ultimately leads back to God’s instructions for parents and children and our obedience in keeping them. We are instructed in the Proverbs, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it (22:6).” In Ephesians, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (6:4).” We are commanded to diligently teach God’s word to our children in Deuteronomy, “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise (6:6-7).” The responsibility of parents is to train our children up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. However, for many families, there seems to be a juxtaposition of training and not departing. Many Chrisitan homes, homes that are more diligent, more Godly, more submitted, than ours still experience their children walking away from the faith. They still experience periods of rebellion with their child(ren). They face what seems to be a lack of fulfillment in the expectation that God will not allow their child, if trained in the way he should go, to depart. And yet, they do. 

As a teenager, I rebelled in countless ways. I disregarded my parent’s rules for our home on a regular basis. I was disrespectful, dishonest, and manipulative. In my home growing up, the parent establishing rules was my mother. The parent who sought to train us in Biblical principles was my mother. I realized from a very young age that any infraction was a disappointment to her, subsequently causing me to conflate the idea of who God was to me through her. Additionally, a narrative of secrets and hiding was introduced to me at at very young age through sexual abuse that began when I was seven. It was reinforced that hiding was the right response when my mom read in a journal the details of what was occurring and instructed me not to tell anyone. The image of my accountability before God translated to something like: He will call to account the things that I consciously allow Him to be part of, like a grandparent whose knowledge of your failures and achievements can be vetted and marginalised, but His intercession for me doesn’t extend into my life in tangible ways, therefore my sin must not extend into eternity in ways that would condemn me either. I believed that whatever was hidden, kept in the secret part of me, was off limits to God in the same way that the burdens of the abuse I carried were mine alone to bear. 

During the conversation with my friend, I mentioned a confidence that my oldest daughter, who is nearly fourteen, is very open with me. This has been confirmed in a number of ways, and at this point, I trust that she tells me nearly everything to the best of her ability, and that the information is genuine and accurate. She asked if I had five tips to cultivate that sort of relationship. I don’t know if I will get to five exactly. I’m not sure that the thoughts that I’ll unravel in this post are even tips necessarily, as much as they are convictions rooted in wisdom, which has been granted to me by the Holy Spirit, after nearly two decades of living in rebellion before Jesus finally grabbed ahold of my heart and began sanctifying me. I’ve been praying over a post for this blog. So, here it is. 

Cultivating honesty in the home begins with transparency. The natural inclination of the sinful flesh is to hide from the presence of a holy God. In Genesis, after Adam and Eve had sinned, Moses writes, “And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden (Genesis 3:8).” Our children create their first perceptions of who God is through our conduct for right or wrong. Sinful behavior must always be addressed through the lens of the creator who has established the boundaries for it. Yet, if our children don’t ever observe sin being confessed openly, if they’re not witnessing repentance, if they don’t understand that you are just as much of a sinner in desperate need of a savior they will misconstrue your place in the hierarchy and place you far too close to God and far too far from themselves. This, in and of itself, creates distance and further perpetuates the desire to hide sinful behavior. In our home, there is regular dialogue of the depths of sin that Jesus plucked my husband and me from. We confess and repent of sin they can see and sin they didn’t see. By God’s grace, to the best of our ability, they are being given a model of confession of sin, repentance, and restoration to the Father through obedience and submission. As a side note, this did create an almost too level playing field at one point that we had to address and create a distinction from them, so that they understood, while their mom and dad are just as much sinners as they, God has placed parents in a position of authority and that comes with specific stipulations for respect in conduct toward them. Modeling transparency in the home will cultivate an environment where confession and openness can thrive. 

Recognizing and accepting that you are not the ultimate authority in the lives of your children is another step to cultivating openness. You’re the one who woke up with them every hour when they were newborns, you’re the one packing the brown bag lunches every day, folding all the laundry, grabbing the groceries and as a result it’s easy to forget that these children, who God has entrusted to us, are just given to us on loan, to steward for His glory. They are His children, not ours. This really changes the shift in the perception of their rebellion as not being a personal affront against me, but a personal affront against the living God to whom they’ll give account. The practice of their confession, repentance, and reconciliation begins with mom and dad. Too often, we hold onto the pain caused by the wrongs they’ve done, and not realize that by reminding them of it, by withholding trust from them, by extending punishment in the form of emotional isolation, repercussions that extend beyond the established consequences (I am not saying there shouldn’t be consequences for their behavior, that’s not Biblical, and not what I’m saying), when we take their sin personally and react based on our emotions rather than responding through the lens of Biblical truth, we misconstrue the way that God responds to their sin, and make it harder for them to recognize that the exact place for their sin is at the foot of the cross. Through Jesus’ death and resurrection, His substitutionary atonement for us on the cross, the psalmist writes, “as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us (103:12).” The author of Hebrews writes, “For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more (8:12).” Paul writes in Ephesians that, “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace (1:7).” If the omniscient, holy God, the only one capable to rightly condemn us, doesn’t because of Christ, we have to model that to our children. That doesn’t mean withholding consequences, but it requires that we train them in the consequence of sin and we don’t treat them differently because of it. They should be restored, as Paul writes in his letter to the Galations, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted (6:1).” Holding our children’s rebellion in that secret place of our heart that would whisper to us, how dare she or how could he do this to us places us on far too close a place that only God rightly maintains and He removes the memory of our transgression, therefore we must be willing and able to do the same, and model the mercy of our heavenly father to our children. 

Finally, (I know this is only three ideas) but lastly, if your children have trusted in Jesus as their Lord and Savior, have believed in their heart and confessed Him with their mouth, then the most powerful parenting companion you could ever hope for dwells in them. I need to keep a better score. I wish I knew the number of times that we faced a conflict with one of our children, and rather than tracking them down in my hurt feelings and angry pride, I prayed instead for conviction in them, and for conviction in my heart as well. I pray this over our marriage, I pray it over my children, I pray it over conflict with other believers, I pray it for others who are having conflict that I might not have anything to do with, and the Lord has always, and I am not exaggerating, always, answered. My prayer goes something like this, “Lord, if it’s my heart that needs changing, please change it, if it’s their heart that needs changing, please change it. Please reconcile us to one another for your glory.” Often times it’s a blend of both hearts that come quickly to a place of reconciliation, but with my children, when I know that I am acting out of Biblical truth and accountability for their training with a desire to demonstrate who God is to them and his holy standard for their life, they come back to me in repentance, in conviction. We reconcile quickly, and discuss next steps of how to adjust conduct, expectations, etc. from there. 

I told my friend that her diligence in accountability was also an excellent way that she is training. It is absolutely our job to follow up with their cell phones and what they’re being exposed to. It is absolutely our job, as parents, to follow up on conversations, on friendships, on the perceptions they’re forming. If we bury our heads in the sand and don’t chew on the tough meat of raising these children, we have side-stepped our charge to train them and will be held accountable for it. Every thing that our flesh whispers to us will be a direct contrast to biblical truth, and so telling your children about the sin from which God redeemed you will feel like something you shouldn’t do, it will seem as if it’s giving permission somehow for them to sin, but it will give them a clearer picture of a God who not only forgives, but restores. We don’t want to let go of the pride that insists that, as our child, they have no right to treat us that way, but recognizing that their behavior is actually an affront to the holy God before whom they’ll give an account allows us to more quickly be reconciled to them and help them as they seek to modify behaviour where necessary. Turning ultimate control over to the Holy Spirit feels far less like action than it does abandonment, but when we do abandon our expectations and yield them to the expectation God has for their lives, they no longer conflate the image of who God is and isn’t, because they start recognizing conviction for themselves, and begin establishing their accountability before God in their individual walks with Him. That is our ultimate job as parents, to train them up in the way they should go, which Lord willing, is on their own individual pursuit of Christ above all other things. 

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I’d love to discuss questions or comments. Please feel free to send an email if you’d like to discuss this topic further.